Coming up last, we have Cancer. The Crab. Great at creating a cozy home, sure, but I mean, seriously…a crab? Have you ever tried to watch a crab use an iPhone? It’s hilarious. “Oh, no! I’ve got it… no, wait, that’s a rock.” Crabs and technology have as much compatibility as Donald Trump and humility. Cancers are the sort of people who refuse to update their software until the device becomes as obsolete as a typewriter. Cancerians, you rank 12th and I send my condolences.

In eleventh place we have – drum roll, please… Taurus! Bulls and china shops come to mind. Well, technology is the new china shop, and Taurus… you’d be better off using a rotary phone, my friend. The good thing about Taurus, though, is that once they finally understand how to use an app, they use it with such stubborn routine it’d make a machine nervous.

Next up, sneaking in at tenth, is the ever-sensitive Pisces. They are to technology what a vegan is to a butcher’s shop: uncomfortable and slightly distressed. Squinting at screens like they’re trying to read Morse code, and asking questions like, “Is the Cloud actual weather? Does it rain data? I don’t understand!”

Now we come to the ninth position, the Virgos. The perfectionists of the Zodiac, and boy, does it show. They’ll have all the latest apps, up-to-date software, and the fanciest gadgets. But using them? That’s another story. You’ll find a Virgo three weeks deep into a gadget manual, cross-referencing it with an online forum. Virgo, you’d have mastered technology by now if you stopped trying to correct it.

Riding into eighth, we have Sagittarius – adventurous, fun-loving, and eternally lost in the labyrinth of online streaming. Any Sagittarians here might relate: “Sure, I’d love to hang out, but I’m only one season away from knowing if dragons really can beat zombies.”

Sliding comfortably into seventh is our friendly neighborhood Libra. Trying to balance everything all at once, social media savvy, but petrified of the online world’s lack of aesthetics. “Sure, I can download the app, but do they have it in pastel pink?”

At the sixth slot, we have our fiery Leo. They’re present on every social media platform you can think of, and some you can’t even pronounce. Leo doesn’t have followers. They have fan clubs. They’ve never actually downloaded an app, but that’s because one of their many followers did it for them.

Entering our top five, we have Capricorn. Old is gold for our sure-footed friends, who love their tech as vintage as their vinyl records. Bet you a Capricorn invented the “phone stack” game at dinner, but if their smartphone looked more like a gramophone, they’d be first place.

Showing up in fourth place is the airy, eccentric Aquarius. Tech-savvy, yes, but they prefer their gadgets to have a touch of Telsa meets “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. They’re less into social media, more into creating alternative realities.

Coming in at a respectable third place, we have Aries. Fearless and quick to the punch. The very definition of the ‘early adopter’ – They’d have the latest iPhone delivered via drone to their doorstep, but may welll be unable to find the on-off button for weeks after that.

In second place are the ever-curious Geminis. They don’t use technology. They converse with it. Geminis are the folks who ask their smart devices existential questions for fun and have ongoing debates with their satnavs.

And now, for our techno altruist, our digital wizard, the first of the Zodiac, it’s the Scorpion: Scorpio! Part Hawking, part Jobs, full-on tech-wizard. They’re two steps ahead of the latest trends, and they’ll fix your smartphone while winning a Fortnite battle.

That’s the horoscope rundown, folks. Don’t shoot the messenger…or me! Remember, whether you’re more crab than coder or more Scorpio than Luddite, the stars are just having a laugh, and so am I!